I have decided going through “the change” is like being pregnant and going through puberty at the same time. Yep, its really that crazy. You have whacked out hormone swings, weight gain, and hair popping up in weird places. Don’t even get me started on the hair. I think maybe I’m turning into a pubescent boy, who just happens to be pregnant, with all these random chin hairs and peach fuzz on my lip.
Menopause, perimenopause, midlife crisis or whatever you want to call it sucks. It is like being on a roller coaster ride with no end in site. Just up and down, then the bottom drops out and there’s all this screaming and yelling with your arms flying in the air. One minute you’re up, bright and shinning, and the next you’re down the rabbit hole. You just cry for no reason and spend days on end thinking about what might have been or “the good old days”. You question your sanity and sometimes contemplate what would happen if you just disappeared. You wonder if your life made any difference and will you be remembered when you are gone.
You fear you have dementia or maybe early onset Alzheimer’s because you can’t remember shit. You just stop right in the middle of a sentence because you forget what the hell you were talking about or you can’t figure out the damn word. It is beyond frustrating if you are someone who talks for a living. It gets really annoying looking like a blithering idiot at dinner because you can’t remember that thing in front of you is called a fork. There is hope though, I read somewhere that as long as its nouns you’re forgetting its ok. Who knows because I sure as hell can’t remember if I know or not.
You’re up all night for no reason. Insomnia knows you better then your own bed. You try everything to get to sleep. I’ve taken to drinking sleepy time tea every night and watching relaxation videos on youtube. Sometimes it works. The problem is when you finally fall asleep then you wake up drenched from the night sweats or burning up from the hot flashes. I actually spent much of this winter sleeping with the air conditioner on just to get some rest. My electric bill went through the roof having to run the heat for everyone else since it was below freezing outside and running the air in my bedroom just so I could stay cool at night.
Everything either irritates you or makes you depressed. You’re on edge and frustrated all the time. There are days you just want to walk around and punch random strangers in the head just for existing. You are thrown into these crazy panic attacks for no reason. I can just get in a car or walk a few blocks down the street and there I am full on crazy. Heart racing, can’t breath, just knowing I am going to die if I don’t get my ass home. Its like I am agoraphobic now. It runs me crazy because I love to travel and now just the thought of going to New York for work or just driving on the interstate throws me into a tail spin. Last year for my birthday, I took my first trip to Mississippi and was planning on going across the river just so I could say I had been west of the Mississippi. Didn’t happen. Each time I got near one of the bridges to cross, I freaked out. I almost wrecked on the way home in Memphis because I was so freaked out by the thought of crossing that river. So, I still have to say I’ve never been west of the Mississippi but I have seen it and got the pictures to prove it.
Some days you just want to be alone on a deserted island and then there are days you fear being alone. You fear you are dieing and no one will be there. You have found your limitations and you are truly afraid for the first time in your adult life. You are afraid of falling and getting lost and all the old people fears. You feel old and frail on those days. Like an old hollow tree full of dust. Dry and dusty like… Dry don’t get me started on dry. Dry is your new best friend. Dry skin, dry hair, and the Sahara dessert has relocated to your vagina. Everything is dry except your t-zone which decides to erupted with zits just like that pubescent boy you are becoming. You have to buy blemish cream, and astringent, and then your face dries out and peels, all the while still breaking out. The wrinkles appear and you just don’t feel that cute anymore. You are a dry, dusty, hairy, pizza faced, pubescent boy and all u want to do is runaway if you could remember where the hell you put those damn keys at. Now where is the Xanax because just the thought of driving on that interstate has thrown me into a panic attack. F*ck it I’m going to bed, I am done with this day.