I feel that my body is revolting against me. There are days I can barely move for the pain and I am so tired that I fall asleep in mid-sentence. Right now sitting here, writing this, I am so sleepy, it is almost impossible to keep my eyes open. I’m like an old person always resting my eyes in the middle of everything I nap at least twice a day because I just fall asleep right in the middle of doing things. It’s almost like I have narcolepsy or something, but I don’t.
Because of this sheer exhaustion, I spend a lot of time sitting and sleeping which has resulted in my inability to walk for very far without my back hurting due to the excessive weight that I have gained mostly in my stomach. This limits my activity and often gets in the way of doing things I need to do like shop or mop the floors. I feel like a lazy slug and having this agoraphobia due to my panic attacks is just making me a virtual shut-in. It has become so much easier to just stay in my house and write then to try and force myself to go outside and deal with hefting this new larger body around.
The doctor keeps telling me all will be better once I get my CPAP but I am not sure how much longer I can wait. I had an at-home sleep study and I recently went for a CPAP titration at Marshall Sleep Center which happens to be located in the new DoubleTree Hotel (formerly the Pullman Plaza). It has a really great view of the Ohio River and I enjoyed staying the night there.
Sleeping with a CPAP that night really made a difference. I woke up the next morning after less than 5 hours of sleep feeling like a new woman. Clear headed, rested, and able to get so much done in that day, I even spent 2 hours walking around downtown. I did have to sit down on the benches often due to my back pain but I wasn’t tired at all and really enjoyed myself. Right now I am back to my same tired self and waiting for them to bring me a CPAP machine. I can’t wait.
In the last year, I have gained nearly 100 pounds, making my weight a little over 300 lbs, thanks to menopause, Zoloft, sleep apnea, and hypothyroidism. It seems that once I hit 50 my body said enough and decided to take a little vacation from doing what it is supposed to do. No, I think it began a couple of years before I turned 50 when I had my nervous breakdown thanks to a lifetime of stress, perimenopause, my thyroid giving out, and several deaths within a 3 month period. At least that is when this journey I am now on started.
It started with a cheating partner and ended with this revolt. No, I’m not going to say ended, I am going to say this new chapter started with a bang, and that bang was a very large man knocking on the door demanding to get in. That man is now long gone but this journey is just beginning. I have been trying to deal with the crazy hormones of menopause all while getting my anxiety and PTSD under control with Zoloft and CBD. On top of that, my doctor and I have been trying to get my thyroid under control because everything and I mean everything is impacted by your thyroid from your weight to your mood.
If you haven’t read my previous life updates over the years, here are a few.