My anxiety waxes and wanes like the moon
looming in the horizon
with the morning light to rise again.
Anxiety is like a stray cat once you feed it it is always there lurking in the corners waiting to be fed again never fully leaving just waiting for that morsel of food to keep it alive.
Had to take a pill last night and now I am awake this morning and feeling anxious. My anxiety is high today but not out of control. I am trying to manage it without having to take the drugs until I go to the doctor on Friday. I don’t want to be on meds for the rest of my life. I don’t want to be like ______ in and out of psych wards and at times so medicated that she didn’t even know what day it was. I want to feel the world and all the emotions that come with it. I want to be amazed by butterflies and sunsets. I don’t want to just exist from day to day, minute to minute. I often feel that is what I am doing now just existing. Telling myself if I can just make it for this next minute, this next hour, the next day, it will be alright. Will it? Will it ever truly be alright? Will I ever find myself again?
This is an excerpt from my journal this morning. I have since had to take a pill just to make it through this day. Normally, I am very private but after my last post and then not posting for a few weeks, I felt the need to let my readers know what is happening. I have been in crisis mode and am having difficulty just dealing with each day right now. I ended up at the ER the other night and they ran several tests including blood tests that revealed my thyroid may be having a problem and that some of my symptoms may be coming from that. I am hoping to find out more on Friday. Follow me on twitter for more updates on this.