Last updated on May 14th, 2020
I am interrupting my April 2020 Blogging A to Z Challenge Theme of Holidays with a little personal post. I haven’t written about this whole Pandemic because I have been trying to stay away from it as much as possible figuratively and literally. I feel that I am not qualified to give any real advice on this COVID-19 virus and I am not one to jump on the bandwagon just to get views. I really don’t like the whole clickbait thing, I try to be upfront and informative with my posts most of the time. In the vane of being upfront, this post will be a bit ranty and a bit jumbly which is a reflection of my life right now.
If you have been following me for a while, you probably know that I have PTSD and am Agoraphobic due to extreme anxiety. That being said, you would think this self-isolation, #stayhome order, quarantine or whatever it is being called today would be no problem. I have been basically self-isolating for the past several years, mostly staying home, not exposing myself to outside people, just associating with close friends and family through the Internet or when they stop by for a visit. So, I thought no problem, I got this. I have been practicing for years. I am an expert on self-isolation, staying home, but I did not account for the other people.
Yes, I am having a problem with the other people; my family and friends who are isolating with me. These people who I love dearly who are now in my face 24 hours a day because no one can go to work. These people, who are everywhere I look. These people who are going stir crazy, having cabin fever, just generally losing their shit because they can not handle self-isolation. These people who are trying to be in charge of everything in my house because we are all control freaks, moving things around, disrupting my routine, being spontaneous and passive-aggressive, rearranging cabinets, being night owls and early birds, grumpy and irritable. These people, who are all trying to live in 6 rooms 24 hours a day with a little time in the yard or the porch each day. These people who are arguing about nothing, ripping bathrooms apart and remodeling due to boredom.
At this point, all semblance of any kind of routine has gone. Homeschooling the littles is hit or miss and there is way too much screentime happening for adults and littles alike. The house is clean, sometimes too clean and then it’s a mess. I can’t find anything because someone keeps moving it somewhere. I have not done anything creative in quite a while. No writing, painting, jewelry making, or mixed media work. Nothing creative, inspiring or soul-soothing. I have been crocheting but more as a way to calm myself instead of it being a creative outlet.
I am feeling so out of control which is not good for my mental health. I have been having flashbacks and some real issues of feeling unsafe. No, no one is harming me, these are feelings that come from my past trauma and are brought back to the forefront with the stress and flashbacks that are happening. I have been spending more time in my room which is not always beneficial. I had been doing really well since we moved to the new place in December. I had been going outside on the porch and in the yard daily. I had even started walking to pick up the littles from the school bus. I was making some great progress and now I feel like I am going backward. It is becoming a struggle every day to force myself out of my room and into the rest of the house. The other people don’t understand, they never really understood before this but now they can’t figure out why I am not just a happy camper not having to leave my house.
“Isn’t that just perfect for you? Now you don’t have to worry about us trying to get you to come out of the house.”
No, it’s not perfect because now all I do all day long is deal with all the other people’s drama, neuroses, temperments, problems, issues, needs, and wants. When I take a moment and stop to think, I am so frustrated at myself for complaining when so much is going on in the world. I feel guilty for being irritated with my family when so many families are losing loved ones. I feel bad that I am writing this post ranting about what seems trivial issues in the grand scheme of things. I guess, I just wanted to share my feelings so that if you are feeling the same way, you know that you are not alone. I hope, I am not alone in feeling this way.
Stay home and stay safe!
How are you feeling?
Are you good with staying home or are you antsy to get back to how life was before?
How are you coping during this pandemic?
Any tips you’ve learned you want to share?