Today I am not firing on all cylinders. As a matter of fact, I am misfiring at best. I feel like my head is in a different plane of existence; one in which all rational thought is unattainable; where all grammar and rules of common sense do not apply. I feel as if I am on cold medication without the benefit of the sleepiness.
Brain dumping has freed me up from the confines I had placed on myself about what is a journal and what is a list. It allows me to just get it all out and down on paper. It gives me power over my own thoughts and helps to curb my anxiety. By spending a few minutes each morning and/or evening writing down everything that is on my mind, I can free up my thoughts to concentrate and focus on the activities of the day.
I am drawn to you like an errant lover
I return time and time again seeking solace
Finding none and finding everything
You call to me from the depths of my soul
Fear bubbling up from the deep
Sucking me into your undertow
Storm waves surge
Reaching for me
I claw my way up
Trying to grasp safety as it slips through my hands
You envelope me
We are one
I am none
I look up
The clouds part, the sun beckons me from your depths
I rise and return to the solidity of life
Knowing I will return to you again and again.
The warmth of the womb.
I understand now why my grandmother had the TV on all the time, even when she wasn’t watching it. After having a houseful of people for most of your life it’s really hard to be alone. The silence can be so deafening. I find that if it is too quite then the thoughts start to whirl around in my head. The dark thoughts surface and then the spiral begins. The trick is to not let the thoughts whirl to start with. That is where TV came in for my grandmother, for me its music and talk radio. Just something in the background when the silence gets too much. Most of the time my dogs and my loud neighbors provide that background noise I need but sometimes it’s just too quite. On those days when the silence builds, the wind stops, and the birds aren’t chirping, I turn on the radio or more likely youtube. I just pick something and then put it on autoplay and let it run in the background. Once, I tried one of those office noise youtube but it had muffled conversations along with the sounds of an office and I kept trying to figure out what the people were saying. Very distracting, a little too distracting, I couldn’t concentrate on writing.
You see me at the grocery store with a smile plastered on my face making up reasons why you haven’t seen me in a while, Appearing calm and in control on the outside is a great effort on my part. It has taken me several months to even attempt this trip to a store. I smile and nod while you chatter away but inside my head, I am screaming in your face.
I think waking up in a panic attack is one of the worst things about having a panic disorder. My medication causes vivid dreams which most nights I enjoy but once in a while I have a very vivid dream that throws me into a panic attack while I am asleep. This wakes me up and then I spend all day trying to shake the dream. It’s as if my head is stuck in the dream and I just can’t get myself all the way awake. It is s very strange feeling. The first time it happened it scared me which only intensified my anxiety for the entire day resulting in several panic attacks.
It is day four of the Just Jot It January challenge and today’s prompt is Dachshund. Wow, now that is a tough prompt. It leads most in the direction to write about dogs or pets. Me it leads to my least favorite Aunt and Uncle and my first trip to Cleveland. I’ve been to Cleveland twice and both times were harrowing experiences. As my Grandmother would say “I ain’t never left nothing in Cleveland I missed”.
There are days that echo through time, where you feel as if you have been transported into this life by some unseen force. These are the days you wish you could stay in bed tucked up under the covers and wait for reality to sink in. Today is such a day.